Okay okay.....we all saw it coming, but yes, once again, I neglected my blog. In two days I will be headed to Oklahoma for the Holidays, and I PROMISE to update. More pictures, news, etc. There's so much to catch up on! My job that sucks, the film I worked on, my Confirmation, my new place.....
it's overwhelming. Lol. But I'll make it happen.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
Beef Jerky and Dots
I just got back from a GREAT short trip to Atlanta! I went up to see Jake, one of my favorite old friend, and to meet up with Ry so we could hang and do something fun before classes started back up.
Trip Summary:
Nights spent in ATL: 1
Awesome Olympic Parks visited: 1
Times nailed by sprayer of Olympic fountain: 1 and one half
Public statues molested: 4
Starbucks frilly drinks accidentally stolen from nice Mexican man: 1
Dollars paid to uber grumpy parking lot guy: 5
Incredible aquariums visited: 1
Hammerhead sharks touched: 1
Tropical Storms driven through: 1
Gas Caps lost: 1
Georgia Toads Squashed: 7 confirmed, dozens of casualties possible
Armadillos passed: 1
Road Blocks encountered: 3
Nights spent in Ry's car in random dog park in Thomasville: 1
Hilarious occurances in Ry's car: too many to enumerate
Photos taken of bizarre and fun trip: 224
Time when I finally arrived home: 8am
And now enjoy some pictures! (Haven't Photoshopped any--too lazy)
COOL FOUNTAIN IN OLYMPIC PARK WITH LIGHTS AND RANDOM JETS OF WATER!
JUST ASK RYAN ABOUT THOSE RANDOM JETS OF WATER....
I GOT HIT A LITTLE, TOO, BUT WE MADE IT THROUGH ALL THE RINGS!!
WELL, I DID NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH ME
BUT FORTUNATELY I HAD RYAN.
Trip Summary:
Nights spent in ATL: 1
Awesome Olympic Parks visited: 1
Times nailed by sprayer of Olympic fountain: 1 and one half
Public statues molested: 4
Starbucks frilly drinks accidentally stolen from nice Mexican man: 1
Dollars paid to uber grumpy parking lot guy: 5
Incredible aquariums visited: 1
Hammerhead sharks touched: 1
Tropical Storms driven through: 1
Gas Caps lost: 1
Georgia Toads Squashed: 7 confirmed, dozens of casualties possible
Armadillos passed: 1
Road Blocks encountered: 3
Nights spent in Ry's car in random dog park in Thomasville: 1
Hilarious occurances in Ry's car: too many to enumerate
Photos taken of bizarre and fun trip: 224
Time when I finally arrived home: 8am
And now enjoy some pictures! (Haven't Photoshopped any--too lazy)
COOL FOUNTAIN IN OLYMPIC PARK WITH LIGHTS AND RANDOM JETS OF WATER!
JUST ASK RYAN ABOUT THOSE RANDOM JETS OF WATER....
I GOT HIT A LITTLE, TOO, BUT WE MADE IT THROUGH ALL THE RINGS!!
WELL, I DID NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH ME
BUT FORTUNATELY I HAD RYAN.
EVEN IF HE CAN BE SUPER CREEPY...
WE DISCOVERED AN ANATOMICALLY CORRECT RUNNER FROM ROMAN TIMES...
I WAS LESS NONCHALANT ABOUT IT
BUT I REALLY REALLY WATED THAT TORCH!!!
BUT I SETTLED FOR A NICE BRONZE COKE WITH THE INVENTOR WHO TURNED OUT TO BE KIND OF A BORE, ACTUALLY
SO ON TO THE AQUARIUM! YAY YAY YAY!!
THAT'S ALL FOR NOW!!! PICS OF THE NEW HOME TO COME SOON!!
Monday, August 18, 2008
The Move, the Job, the Art
First, I will DEF post some photos of my new digs this weekend. It's super cute and Stewie and I are very happy here. :)
My bedroom is like, a modern bower from A Midsummer Night's Dream. I LOVE LOVE LOVE it.
I'm also really looking forward to next weekend (Labor Day Weekend) because Kat and I will be hosting a BBQ in our cool backyard! Will DEF post pictures from that!
My job, while mostly easy as pie, is starting to GRATE on my nerves. My boss is a very....."passionate" person (aka, she yells a lot about little stuff and flies off of the handle over very small, manageable problems). I seriously now have all of the responsibilities I was hired for AND I'm our IT person AND the office manager. Oh, and Human Resources. It has seriously gotten to the point where I will have to ask for a raise or start looking for another job. The stress is no longer worth the salary. But I really DO like the job and my co-workers. :)
So, I'm on drugs now. :) Before anyone panics--I'm having bad bad tooth issues (impacted wisdom tooth and also a front tooth that needs a root canal) and unfortunaely, Dental peeps in Tallahassee are too booked to see me anytime soon for Oral Surgery or said root canal. HENCE, pain pills. And those who know me well know how much I LOVE medicine (feel the sarcasm?). The BIG BIG problem, though, is that I really DO need those pills and the dentist who prescribed them did NOT anticipate that I would have to wait so long, so he didn't prescribe me more than 4 days worth. I am HORDING the last three as emergency pills. In the meantime, I'm living on Orajel and Ibuprofin. The fun side effect of this is sleepiness and artwork. :) So I've gotten a really good jump on my friend Diana's bday present painting AND I've started skething a painting I've been avoiding for three years.
Anyhoo, that's all for now. :)
My bedroom is like, a modern bower from A Midsummer Night's Dream. I LOVE LOVE LOVE it.
I'm also really looking forward to next weekend (Labor Day Weekend) because Kat and I will be hosting a BBQ in our cool backyard! Will DEF post pictures from that!
My job, while mostly easy as pie, is starting to GRATE on my nerves. My boss is a very....."passionate" person (aka, she yells a lot about little stuff and flies off of the handle over very small, manageable problems). I seriously now have all of the responsibilities I was hired for AND I'm our IT person AND the office manager. Oh, and Human Resources. It has seriously gotten to the point where I will have to ask for a raise or start looking for another job. The stress is no longer worth the salary. But I really DO like the job and my co-workers. :)
So, I'm on drugs now. :) Before anyone panics--I'm having bad bad tooth issues (impacted wisdom tooth and also a front tooth that needs a root canal) and unfortunaely, Dental peeps in Tallahassee are too booked to see me anytime soon for Oral Surgery or said root canal. HENCE, pain pills. And those who know me well know how much I LOVE medicine (feel the sarcasm?). The BIG BIG problem, though, is that I really DO need those pills and the dentist who prescribed them did NOT anticipate that I would have to wait so long, so he didn't prescribe me more than 4 days worth. I am HORDING the last three as emergency pills. In the meantime, I'm living on Orajel and Ibuprofin. The fun side effect of this is sleepiness and artwork. :) So I've gotten a really good jump on my friend Diana's bday present painting AND I've started skething a painting I've been avoiding for three years.
Anyhoo, that's all for now. :)
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Be Careful what you Wish for
So it's been a while since I've posted. LOTS of stuff has gone down. I've moved into a town house with my friend Kat (I will post pics soon). Work is going okay. I'm still at the photography studio. Actually, it's Sunday and I'm at work now because of a gnarly server crash that put us FAR behind, so I'm playing catch up. *sigh* such is life.
Just a few things: be careful what you pray for, because God is faithful to answer. Sometimes getting your heart back means having it broken. Also, be thankful and grateful for the people in your life in whatever capacity they are given. Furthermore, be insanely proud of the amazing talents and accomplishments of the people you love and compliment them often: we all need to know love and grace in tangible ways as well as Heavenly ways. Finally, spend time with your Savior. No one understands you like Him, I promise. Remember, He not only has the owner's manual, He wrote it. Even when you don't understand why He allows things to happen the way they do, sit back in His arms and trust that there is solid reasoning. He loves you, afterall.
Just a few things: be careful what you pray for, because God is faithful to answer. Sometimes getting your heart back means having it broken. Also, be thankful and grateful for the people in your life in whatever capacity they are given. Furthermore, be insanely proud of the amazing talents and accomplishments of the people you love and compliment them often: we all need to know love and grace in tangible ways as well as Heavenly ways. Finally, spend time with your Savior. No one understands you like Him, I promise. Remember, He not only has the owner's manual, He wrote it. Even when you don't understand why He allows things to happen the way they do, sit back in His arms and trust that there is solid reasoning. He loves you, afterall.
Monday, July 21, 2008
The Gloves are up
You know, I had a thought today:
I'm worth fighting for.
I'm WORTH FIGHTING FOR.
And for now, it's me that has to do the fighting.
I'm worth fighting for.
I'm WORTH FIGHTING FOR.
And for now, it's me that has to do the fighting.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Fling Wide you Heavenly Gates!
VERSE 1:
Did you feel the mountains tremble?
Did you hear the oceans roar
When the people rose to sing of
Jesus Christ, the ris-en One?
VERSE 2:
Did you feel the people tremble?
Did you hear the singers roar?
When the lost began to sing of
Jesus Christ, the sav-ing One
BRIDGE 1:
And we can see that, God, You're mov-ing,
A mighty river through the nations;
And young and old will turn to Je-sus.
Fling wide, you heavenly gates;
Prepare the way of the risen Lord.
CHORUS:
Open up the doors. Let the music play.
Let the streets resound with singing:
Songs that bring Your hope,
Songs that bring Your joy,
Dancers who dance upon injustice.
VERSE 3:
Do you feel the darkness tremble?
When all the saints join in one song,
And all the streams flow as one river
To wash away our broken-ness?
BRIDGE 2:
And here we see that, God, You're mov-ing;
A time of jubilee is coming,
When young and old return to Je-sus.
Fling wide, you heavenly gates;
Prepare the way of the risen Lord.
Imagine....you're in the second row. You've just heard an amazing message straight to your heart from God reaffirming everything you've been dealing with. You feel honored and humbled that the Lord has remembered your prayers and blessed you and it's already on the border of overwhelming. Your heart glows with love for your Lord and His church around the world and you're suddenly so proud and honored to be a member of this incredible family......and then you hear it...the chords start up. The volume is so loud and the drums mingle with voices so that in your brain it's you, the music, and Jesus. You feel your heart swell and you're belting it at the top of your lungs:
OPEN UP THE DOORS!
LET THE MUSIC PLAY!
LET THE STREETS RESOUND WITH SINGING!
SONGS THAT BRING YOUR HOPE, SONGS THAT BRING YOUR JOY,
DANCERS WHO DANCE UPON INJUSTICE!
And you're thinking "YES! Open the doors, let the world hear the songs of the hearts of God's children! We are young, old, foolish, wise, lovely, irritating, imperfect, striving, broken, healed...we are so beautiful and don't even know it, but the SONGS of our hearts should be blared through the loudspeakers of our lives so that the world will know our God and know that they are loved and chased after by the same Jesus.... This is what heaven looks like! The faces of His children from every race, nation, walk of life, educational level, gender, political party....
DID YOU FEEL THE DARKNESS TREMBLE
WHEN ALL THE SAINTS JOIN IN ONE SONG
AND ALL THE STREAMS FLOW AS ONE RIVER
TO WASH AWAY OUR BROKENNESS?
Jesus died so that we may all be one. ALL of us. My heart soars at the idea that some day two total strangers from opposite sides of life, different denomination, different backgrounds, different languages, will come together in love as brothers to worship the One True God that we love with no reservations and that it is THIS that will be the norm. My heart breaks that we are not even close to there yet.
How powerful we are without knowing it!
DID YOU FEEL THE DARKNESS TREMBLE
WHEN ALL THE SAINTS JOIN IN ONE SONG...
Wow. And as your heart and mind is filling deeper and deeper with these thoughts, and your voice is flowing out at the top of your lungs, you realize that your face is shiny with tears and that you couldn't stop them if you wanted to.
I will take from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
Amen, amen. God is faithful.
I am healed.
Did you feel the mountains tremble?
Did you hear the oceans roar
When the people rose to sing of
Jesus Christ, the ris-en One?
VERSE 2:
Did you feel the people tremble?
Did you hear the singers roar?
When the lost began to sing of
Jesus Christ, the sav-ing One
BRIDGE 1:
And we can see that, God, You're mov-ing,
A mighty river through the nations;
And young and old will turn to Je-sus.
Fling wide, you heavenly gates;
Prepare the way of the risen Lord.
CHORUS:
Open up the doors. Let the music play.
Let the streets resound with singing:
Songs that bring Your hope,
Songs that bring Your joy,
Dancers who dance upon injustice.
VERSE 3:
Do you feel the darkness tremble?
When all the saints join in one song,
And all the streams flow as one river
To wash away our broken-ness?
BRIDGE 2:
And here we see that, God, You're mov-ing;
A time of jubilee is coming,
When young and old return to Je-sus.
Fling wide, you heavenly gates;
Prepare the way of the risen Lord.
Imagine....you're in the second row. You've just heard an amazing message straight to your heart from God reaffirming everything you've been dealing with. You feel honored and humbled that the Lord has remembered your prayers and blessed you and it's already on the border of overwhelming. Your heart glows with love for your Lord and His church around the world and you're suddenly so proud and honored to be a member of this incredible family......and then you hear it...the chords start up. The volume is so loud and the drums mingle with voices so that in your brain it's you, the music, and Jesus. You feel your heart swell and you're belting it at the top of your lungs:
OPEN UP THE DOORS!
LET THE MUSIC PLAY!
LET THE STREETS RESOUND WITH SINGING!
SONGS THAT BRING YOUR HOPE, SONGS THAT BRING YOUR JOY,
DANCERS WHO DANCE UPON INJUSTICE!
And you're thinking "YES! Open the doors, let the world hear the songs of the hearts of God's children! We are young, old, foolish, wise, lovely, irritating, imperfect, striving, broken, healed...we are so beautiful and don't even know it, but the SONGS of our hearts should be blared through the loudspeakers of our lives so that the world will know our God and know that they are loved and chased after by the same Jesus.... This is what heaven looks like! The faces of His children from every race, nation, walk of life, educational level, gender, political party....
DID YOU FEEL THE DARKNESS TREMBLE
WHEN ALL THE SAINTS JOIN IN ONE SONG
AND ALL THE STREAMS FLOW AS ONE RIVER
TO WASH AWAY OUR BROKENNESS?
Jesus died so that we may all be one. ALL of us. My heart soars at the idea that some day two total strangers from opposite sides of life, different denomination, different backgrounds, different languages, will come together in love as brothers to worship the One True God that we love with no reservations and that it is THIS that will be the norm. My heart breaks that we are not even close to there yet.
How powerful we are without knowing it!
DID YOU FEEL THE DARKNESS TREMBLE
WHEN ALL THE SAINTS JOIN IN ONE SONG...
Wow. And as your heart and mind is filling deeper and deeper with these thoughts, and your voice is flowing out at the top of your lungs, you realize that your face is shiny with tears and that you couldn't stop them if you wanted to.
I will take from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
Amen, amen. God is faithful.
I am healed.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Sometimes you just wanna....Grrrrr
Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you will do with your evenings, how you will spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love and it will decide everything.
-Father Arrupe
You know, it's crazy: the second you decide your life is going okay, things start to hit the fan. And I'm thinking "Who am I that I should be so important that the Enemy not only feels the need to keep an eye on me, but also to send his minions to try and destroy my joy every time I find even the littlest bit of it?" I mean, really. The power of God is overwhelming so of course the Enemy would try to squash that, but I'm just....me. I struggle and fall and disappoint enough on my own, why does it seem to be so important to the Enemy that he can't give me the smallest inch.
So here's what's up: I'm moving at the end of the month, which is great news. My current place is in the ghetto and too expensive! So I'm moving across town into my friend Kat's cute townhouse for a way more reasonable rate of rent. The bad news is that my crazy landlord is trying to charge me to replace all the carpets, which isn't happening and they can kiss my butt, and to top it off, someone from my leasing office basically went into my apartment without my permission and went through my stuff on Monday AND stole a roll of quarters off of my table. So there's that. Also, I lost a stone out of my FAVORITE garnet ring. I can get it repaired but it will take 2 or more weeks and cost as much as the ring did in the first place. :( My cat has been puking for two days, poor baby. I feel so bad for him. I'm super short handed at work and also our server has been hit by lightning, so we're three days behind on everything. Oh, and the icing on the cake: I am just getting over a UTI. Good times.
Basically, ladies and gents, it has been an adventure this week (and it's only WEDNESDAY).
BUT here's the good news: I had a pretty stressful Monday, but God has given me some awesome people to lean on and vent to when I need them. They should be commended for putting up with me when I'm whiny and pouty like that. ;) So thanks, Good Friends (and one in particular) for being my crutches. I appreciate you!
I also had the opportunity to go to two of three days of this amazing seminar on Ignatius's rules of Spiritual Discernment, and because of that, I have a better and more positive take on the crappiness that has been my week. I realize that ESPECIALLY when you don't feel like it, those are the times to praise and thank God, because faith is not about feeling good all the time and treating God like a vending machine.
"Do you love ME or do you love my gifts?" -God might ask something like this
So I'm working on learning to love God as an action, not an emotion. So today I am loving God by going to Daily Mass and Adoration to spend some time with Him in prayer even though I'm not really 'Feeling' God with me right now.
As an old youth pastor of mine used to say "Act your way to a feeling, don't feel your way to actions."
And definitely, folks, check out Ignatius and his awesome insights on Spiritual discernment.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Off to see the Wizard....
Some of the awesome fireworks at Tom Brown on July 4th, 2008
The Fourth of July is one of my favorite holidays.
Fireworks make me incredibly happy, especially the super sparkly ones that look like stars, which are my favorite thing.
I was thankful to spend a relaxed evening outdoors with friends and just breathe some clean air and sit for two hours on a blanket without a single other thing on my mind. This does not seem to happen that often for me. My mind is always racing with a hundred things (as certain friends of mine like to point out) and there are days it seems I have a tough time relaxing.
*sigh*
This is something I'm working on. It seems that while I'm a hopelessly klutzy juggler with little red balls, I'm quite good at juggling 'life' stuff. Too good, actually. I end up with too many balls in the air a lot. My joke is that I have a speech impediment--I can't say "No." :) Unfortunately, it's less of a joke than a pathology.
I wonder what it is that makes me stay in overdrive all the time? Hm....curiouser and curiouser.
I mean, I genuinely enjoy being busy. I do. I also enjoy going the extra mile to help people out or make them smile. But sometimes I'm finding myself busy just for the sake of being busy. This keeps my mind occupied. I like that my mind is full, I enjoy learning and creating. The problem is this: do I keep my mind so full of other people and other things that I never have time to know and spend time with myself?
Hmmmm.
There's a great Superchick song that goes
She never slows down.
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone,
feels like its all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear,
the tears will not stop raining down
[CHORUS] So stand in the rain Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain
She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering
if she stands she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from
wants to give up and lie down.
[CHORUS] So stand in the rain Stand your ground Stand up when it's all crashing down You stand through the pain You won't drown And one day, whats lost can be found You stand in the rain
This sentiments expressed so well in this song (which I have been working on with God for a few weeks now), combined with the fact that I'm reading yet another AMAZING book by John Eldridge called "Waking the Dead" basically leads me to the following resolution:
I will say 'no.' I will make time for myself. I will take care of myself with the same tenacity that I take care of others. I will spend time doing what makes me happy. I will learn to relax. I will surround myself with the people who love me back.
I have somehow managed to lose myself, as the song says. I have hardened my heart without realizing it or intending to. Like the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz, I was so busy that when my heart turned to tin I didn't notice. Well, I'm noticing now and fighting back. I'm off to see the Wizard.
I'm claiming Ezekiel 36:26 which says:
"Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh."
So basically, I'm planning a lot more nights like the Fourth of July. I'm making a list of things I love, but I may need the help of some of you guys to remember the good things I've been skipping out on....
Okay, bad shot design, but hey.....it's a snapshot. Me and Ryan at Tom Brown on the 4th.
Brent, Marci, and Diana playing MARBLES!! Also at Tom Brown on the 4th.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Dreamy Romantic Stuff
I can't believe what I'm about to type, but here it is: Avril Lavigne almost made me cry today.
Lol.
So it's gloomy out, and freezing in my office, and I'm here alone until 5 today so I've had some time to reflect. Looking around my office, I zeroed in on my desk pictures. I have a frame that holds 9 pictures, and in addition to various friend and family photos, I have also framed a few quotes that I love. One of my favs is "The spaces between your fingers were created so that another's could fill them." Cute, right? Especially if you've seen WallE. You know how important it is to have a hand to hold. Of all of the things I miss about being in a relationship, the easy pleasure and comfort of holding someone's hand definitely ranks in the top three.
Now certainly I shouldn't be complaining about my life. I have some AMAZING friends, really. God has blessed me immeasurably with certain people in my life. I have a great family. I have a job that I don't hate and an education that I'm the first in my entire family to attain. I know a God who loves me and I am in the company of angels. I live in a place where there are palm trees and oak trees standing side by side. I have a cat who tolerates my existance. I have reasonably good health, I have access to anything I need and many of the things I want. All in all, I'd have to admit that life ain't bad.
But standing on this mountain and looking around at this nice life I've built, I find myself wishing that there were someone standing next to me, holding my hand, and sharing the moment. You can only ask so much of your friends, even the best ones. There is something really great about finding that one person who knows you so well that they can tell when no one else can if you're not okay. The person who knows your biggest weaknesses, loves you despite them, and can look you in the eye and mean it when they say 'I love you. I love who you are and who we are together. You are beautiful to me.'
I've been struggling a little over the past few months because I finally had to admit to myself that I expected God to have someone waiting for me in Tallahassee.
Things fell so neatly into place for me: I graduated college, most of which was paid for, headed to grad school, all of which was paid for--it just seemed like God was paving the way toward my future. It never crossed my mind even once that 'future' might not mean married and having kids. Now I know I'm only 25...of COURSE I know there's still plenty of time. But the thing that I struggle with most right now is that my heart desires so much to be a wife and a mother. Maybe it sounds backward and un-feminist of me, but I believe with my whole self that God created men and women for different (equally vital) tasks, and the call I feel to marriage and family are from God, and so believe what you will.
So now I'm just dealing with the fact that I need patience. God has a great plan for me, for all of us who seek Him, and He knows what's best. But I've been 'on track' with goals for so long now that in my mind, I just assumed that marriage came next.
I admit that I am disappointed that it won't.
I've been working on this with Jesus for a few months now, privately. I re-read an amazing book called 'Dancing in the Arms of God' and then another called 'Captivating.' These are both Must-Reads for any Christian gal. I've also been asking the Lord to reveal Himself more fully to me so that I may fall deeper in love with Him. For so long, my faith has been stagnant....there, but not growing. I feel now as though I am going on dates with Jesus, and each date is bringing me closer to the kind of love I want to know.
Earlier this week, I was at Adoration. I was having a difficult time getting into the 'prayer zone' and so I started writing a letter to God. Somewhere along the way, He took over and began writing to me. I was so moved by what He was telling me (and even now just recalling it) that something in my heart broke and I began to weep good, cleansing tears of joy. It's a little hard to talk about this, and almost not possible to explain properly, but basically I could feel Jesus holding my hand.
"You are beautiful. I am so in love with you. You are exactly who I created you to be. Why do you try so hard to be someone else? I love you. The spaces between your fingers were created so that I could fill them."
It was like a lover reached across a candle lit table and took my hand.
And suddenly I'm beginning again to fall in love with Jesus.
When You're Gone lyrics
I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now
[Chorus]
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you
I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now
[Chorus]
We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah
Lol.
So it's gloomy out, and freezing in my office, and I'm here alone until 5 today so I've had some time to reflect. Looking around my office, I zeroed in on my desk pictures. I have a frame that holds 9 pictures, and in addition to various friend and family photos, I have also framed a few quotes that I love. One of my favs is "The spaces between your fingers were created so that another's could fill them." Cute, right? Especially if you've seen WallE. You know how important it is to have a hand to hold. Of all of the things I miss about being in a relationship, the easy pleasure and comfort of holding someone's hand definitely ranks in the top three.
Now certainly I shouldn't be complaining about my life. I have some AMAZING friends, really. God has blessed me immeasurably with certain people in my life. I have a great family. I have a job that I don't hate and an education that I'm the first in my entire family to attain. I know a God who loves me and I am in the company of angels. I live in a place where there are palm trees and oak trees standing side by side. I have a cat who tolerates my existance. I have reasonably good health, I have access to anything I need and many of the things I want. All in all, I'd have to admit that life ain't bad.
But standing on this mountain and looking around at this nice life I've built, I find myself wishing that there were someone standing next to me, holding my hand, and sharing the moment. You can only ask so much of your friends, even the best ones. There is something really great about finding that one person who knows you so well that they can tell when no one else can if you're not okay. The person who knows your biggest weaknesses, loves you despite them, and can look you in the eye and mean it when they say 'I love you. I love who you are and who we are together. You are beautiful to me.'
I've been struggling a little over the past few months because I finally had to admit to myself that I expected God to have someone waiting for me in Tallahassee.
Things fell so neatly into place for me: I graduated college, most of which was paid for, headed to grad school, all of which was paid for--it just seemed like God was paving the way toward my future. It never crossed my mind even once that 'future' might not mean married and having kids. Now I know I'm only 25...of COURSE I know there's still plenty of time. But the thing that I struggle with most right now is that my heart desires so much to be a wife and a mother. Maybe it sounds backward and un-feminist of me, but I believe with my whole self that God created men and women for different (equally vital) tasks, and the call I feel to marriage and family are from God, and so believe what you will.
So now I'm just dealing with the fact that I need patience. God has a great plan for me, for all of us who seek Him, and He knows what's best. But I've been 'on track' with goals for so long now that in my mind, I just assumed that marriage came next.
I admit that I am disappointed that it won't.
I've been working on this with Jesus for a few months now, privately. I re-read an amazing book called 'Dancing in the Arms of God' and then another called 'Captivating.' These are both Must-Reads for any Christian gal. I've also been asking the Lord to reveal Himself more fully to me so that I may fall deeper in love with Him. For so long, my faith has been stagnant....there, but not growing. I feel now as though I am going on dates with Jesus, and each date is bringing me closer to the kind of love I want to know.
Earlier this week, I was at Adoration. I was having a difficult time getting into the 'prayer zone' and so I started writing a letter to God. Somewhere along the way, He took over and began writing to me. I was so moved by what He was telling me (and even now just recalling it) that something in my heart broke and I began to weep good, cleansing tears of joy. It's a little hard to talk about this, and almost not possible to explain properly, but basically I could feel Jesus holding my hand.
"You are beautiful. I am so in love with you. You are exactly who I created you to be. Why do you try so hard to be someone else? I love you. The spaces between your fingers were created so that I could fill them."
It was like a lover reached across a candle lit table and took my hand.
And suddenly I'm beginning again to fall in love with Jesus.
When You're Gone lyrics
I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now
[Chorus]
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you
I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now
[Chorus]
We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah
First of Many.....Fingers Crossed
In an effort to be more proactive in the chronicles of my own life, I've started this blog. I intend to keep up with it to the best of my abilities, but to be honest, I'm not sure how well I will do. :)
Call me crazy, but I'm often more concerned with LIVING my life than writing about it. However, lately God has really been dealing with me about a number of things. One of the things is
"Learn to see Me more, even in the little things, because I am all around You and My hand is on your life in the small things just as much as the big things."
Therefore, I have started not only journaling (which is for God and me, and nobody else) but I also think that when there are cool things happening, it's appropriate to share them with the people you love. So....TaDa! A blog is born.
Fair warning: I tend to be rambly and irreverent because, hey, it's my blog and you don't have to read it if you don't want to. ;) Comment, don't comment; read, don't read.
"To send light into the darkness of men's hearts--such is the duty of the artist." ----Schumann
Call me crazy, but I'm often more concerned with LIVING my life than writing about it. However, lately God has really been dealing with me about a number of things. One of the things is
"Learn to see Me more, even in the little things, because I am all around You and My hand is on your life in the small things just as much as the big things."
Therefore, I have started not only journaling (which is for God and me, and nobody else) but I also think that when there are cool things happening, it's appropriate to share them with the people you love. So....TaDa! A blog is born.
Fair warning: I tend to be rambly and irreverent because, hey, it's my blog and you don't have to read it if you don't want to. ;) Comment, don't comment; read, don't read.
"To send light into the darkness of men's hearts--such is the duty of the artist." ----Schumann
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