I can't believe what I'm about to type, but here it is: Avril Lavigne almost made me cry today.
Lol.
So it's gloomy out, and freezing in my office, and I'm here alone until 5 today so I've had some time to reflect. Looking around my office, I zeroed in on my desk pictures. I have a frame that holds 9 pictures, and in addition to various friend and family photos, I have also framed a few quotes that I love. One of my favs is "The spaces between your fingers were created so that another's could fill them." Cute, right? Especially if you've seen WallE. You know how important it is to have a hand to hold. Of all of the things I miss about being in a relationship, the easy pleasure and comfort of holding someone's hand definitely ranks in the top three.
Now certainly I shouldn't be complaining about my life. I have some AMAZING friends, really. God has blessed me immeasurably with certain people in my life. I have a great family. I have a job that I don't hate and an education that I'm the first in my entire family to attain. I know a God who loves me and I am in the company of angels. I live in a place where there are palm trees and oak trees standing side by side. I have a cat who tolerates my existance. I have reasonably good health, I have access to anything I need and many of the things I want. All in all, I'd have to admit that life ain't bad.
But standing on this mountain and looking around at this nice life I've built, I find myself wishing that there were someone standing next to me, holding my hand, and sharing the moment. You can only ask so much of your friends, even the best ones. There is something really great about finding that one person who knows you so well that they can tell when no one else can if you're not okay. The person who knows your biggest weaknesses, loves you despite them, and can look you in the eye and mean it when they say 'I love you. I love who you are and who we are together. You are beautiful to me.'
I've been struggling a little over the past few months because I finally had to admit to myself that I expected God to have someone waiting for me in Tallahassee.
Things fell so neatly into place for me: I graduated college, most of which was paid for, headed to grad school, all of which was paid for--it just seemed like God was paving the way toward my future. It never crossed my mind even once that 'future' might not mean married and having kids. Now I know I'm only 25...of COURSE I know there's still plenty of time. But the thing that I struggle with most right now is that my heart desires so much to be a wife and a mother. Maybe it sounds backward and un-feminist of me, but I believe with my whole self that God created men and women for different (equally vital) tasks, and the call I feel to marriage and family are from God, and so believe what you will.
So now I'm just dealing with the fact that I need patience. God has a great plan for me, for all of us who seek Him, and He knows what's best. But I've been 'on track' with goals for so long now that in my mind, I just assumed that marriage came next.
I admit that I am disappointed that it won't.
I've been working on this with Jesus for a few months now, privately. I re-read an amazing book called 'Dancing in the Arms of God' and then another called 'Captivating.' These are both Must-Reads for any Christian gal. I've also been asking the Lord to reveal Himself more fully to me so that I may fall deeper in love with Him. For so long, my faith has been stagnant....there, but not growing. I feel now as though I am going on dates with Jesus, and each date is bringing me closer to the kind of love I want to know.
Earlier this week, I was at Adoration. I was having a difficult time getting into the 'prayer zone' and so I started writing a letter to God. Somewhere along the way, He took over and began writing to me. I was so moved by what He was telling me (and even now just recalling it) that something in my heart broke and I began to weep good, cleansing tears of joy. It's a little hard to talk about this, and almost not possible to explain properly, but basically I could feel Jesus holding my hand.
"You are beautiful. I am so in love with you. You are exactly who I created you to be. Why do you try so hard to be someone else? I love you. The spaces between your fingers were created so that I could fill them."
It was like a lover reached across a candle lit table and took my hand.
And suddenly I'm beginning again to fall in love with Jesus.
When You're Gone lyrics
I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now
[Chorus]
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you
I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now
[Chorus]
We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah
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