Very Bad Things.

So honestly, I BARELY know where to begin.

Saturday was okay. Really. Went with my mom to deliver some Easter goodies. An old man at the nursing home complimented my "Pretty Teeth" repeatedly. I got offered some pudding. Good times. We then went driving around so I could take pics and found this awesome place in Merritt where they have ZEBRAS, emu, ostriches, reindeer, and longhorns. Oh, and a water buffalo. So that was fun and I will post pics soon. Ate at a GREAT place called Simon's Catch. Then Saturday night happened.

Lonliest night of the year so far. Vigil mass was THREE hours of nobody sitting by me. Seriously. And it was pitch black for most of mass at 11 at night. Sitting in a dark church by yourself when half of the mass is in Spanish is lonely. BAD lonely. And my candle kept dripping on my fingers, no matter what I tried. My heart was literally breaking. I really missed my 'family.'

Then came the Blind Date. Yeah, I've never actually done one, but he's a friend of a friend, so I'm thinking "How Bad Can It Be?" NEVER underestimate how bad it can be.

We meet at Backdoor Steakhouse. Fine, it's Blair but it's a nice place. He got there like 25 mins early. So I already felt bad by being on time. Then I get there and almost RIGHT away he's Mr. Alpha Male. I sat across from him instead of next to him. He really didn't seem to like that at all. Then he starts talking. And talking. And talking. And my 'old fashioned' blind date has a mouth like a drunken, pervy sailor. So I very slyly and gently say, in case he didn't know, that I'm a pretty conservative practicing Christian Catholic. It's not fair to hold it against him if he doesn't know he's offending me, right? Well, this does not change a THING. He keeps going on and on about how he's never been to college and how he's so good at what he does so he keeps getting these great jobs all over, blah blah. Fine. He seriously talked about himself for EVER. Telling me ALL about his cool former boss at his last job who once walked in on him 'doing' his supervisor on the conference table and was really cool about it. And I guess they used to all go to strip clubs on Fridays. Yeah, great boss. He then proceeds to tell me how within a week of living at his last place, he was out meeting people and went to this guys house to play a game kind of like Dungeons and Dragons. I guess the guy whose house it was was some kind of legend and "John" my date was like "Yeah, he BARELY beat me and wouldn't shut up about it. Whatever, he's 30 and lives in his parent's basement. I was like "I'm gonna go get some pussy I didn't pay for and probably a blow job, so yeah. Way to go for beating me, loser.""

I'm TOTALLY serious. GREAT respectful first date conversation, right? But THEN.....

About fifteen minutes after dinner arrives, "John" is like "It's so nice that you're smart. Around here, that's hard to find. I'm like, you know, eventually, I'm gonna pull my dick out of your mouth and then you better have something interesting to say."

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SERIOUSLY?!?!? I almost wanted to cry. WHO SAYS THAT?! TO A GIRL?!?! ON THE FIRST DATE???!!! I should have walked out. I should have SLAPPED him and walked out. But my stupid manners. *sigh* So we finish dinner and then I want to take some pics of the mural on the back of the building. So we 'walk' around Blair. The conversation gets WORSE. He's so arrogant and full of himself and gets PISSED when I disagree with anything. So I'm trying to walk back to my car and he wants to show me his motorcycle, which is on the way. Sidebar, he doesn't wear a helmet OR road gear. Idiot. THEN he wants to talk about politics. And healthcare reform. And religion. And he says "Communism and Christianity are the same. They both are based in people's ability to care about each other." And I'm like "Actually, you're totally wrong. Christianity is about God KNOWING people are selfish and flawed, and even when we TRY to care, it's not always with pure motivation. That's why Christianity is 100% about the Person of Jesus Christ. You put your faith in HIM because humans will let you down every time." And he was pissed off AGAIN. He then decides to start showing me all of his 'stab wound scars.' I'm totally serious.

Apparently, he lived in Berlin from age 10-18 and was in a lot of fights. Then he also worked for Dallas PD. While regaling me with all of these fight stories, he goes "But I would never hit a girl. I mean, not like in a fight. Cuz, you know, rough stuff between the sheets is different. Like, spanking and stuff doesn't break bones. And like, there are safety words and stuff."

?!?!?!?!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!????!!!! FIRST DATE!!!!

So then he tells me about his friend who is his same age (36) and 'saving himself for marriage' which "John" is blown away by. So I say "Yeah, actually, I'm not planning to have sex until I get married. I know it's old fashioned, but I'm giving it a shot." So "John" (and by the way, he knows what I do for a living because we talked about it a little) goes "Well how to you feel about oral sex? Or anal? Cuz, you know, it's not like those are SEX sex."

ahem.

So I'm like "Yeah, those count as sex for me, so no, I don't do those things."

So he says "Yeah, I mean, I guess I see your point. If I did those things with a fourteen year old, I would go to jail, so yeah, that's sex."

SERIOUSLY almost cried.

After more CHARMING conversation (During which he TOTALLY kept farting, by the way, and thy were SBDs) I was like "Yeah, I'm gonna go. I try to limit my first dates to two hours." He looked REALLY surprised. So I said "Well, I've been on some EPICALLY bad ones, you see." And I opened my car door and stuck my hand waaaaaay out away from me to shake his.

Date over.

DEAR GOD. WHY?!?!?!