You just left her there.

Dealing gracefully with heartbreak is impossible.

You can try. I mean, I know some women and men who have made TRULY valiant efforts to be gracious and kind throughout all sorts of terrible things. I, myself, pray for grace during those times so that I don't say or do anything that I might regret later on or that would hurt the other person. I always try to remember the saying "Lord, help my words to be sweet today, for tomorrow I may have to eat them!"
I also have this tendency to never stand up for myself and my own feelings. I think of great zingers to use after the phone call is over or the person has walked away. Sometimes I wish I could throw those verbal darts as things are happening, but then later, I suppose, I am grateful that I didn't for I'm sure I would feel terrible, would not really have meant what I said in anger, or just made an already awful situation even worse. So, instead of anger in the moment, I turn to melancholy.

To make a very looooooooong story as short as possible, my best friend on the planet broke my heart. Completely. About a week ago.

I'm so thankful for songs and music, because they say things poetically and harmonically that my heart feels. If you've never heard 'Almost Lover' by A Fine Frenzy, youtube it this instance. Seriously.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsWsasqIoyk



Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy

(The parts that apply)

The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
See, my best friend was this amazing guy. Great sense of humor, almost too dorky but pulled it off okay, kind, consistent, and present. All of the things you want in a best friend.
And then something happened. Something exploded in his world and he became someone I don't know anymore.
Anyone who knows me well knows that I am unshakably, unfailingly loyal. I've lost a lot of important people and because of that, I fight HARD to keep the good ones around. I've spent the last few months fighting in every way I know how to make my friend and I 'okay' again.

But sometimes things break and can't be put back together again. People make choices, act on them, and say things that there is no coming back from.

And I feel hollow.

I miss my friend. But my friend, as I knew him, is gone. And there's this other guy who has been wearing his face around, and when I see him, it breaks my heart.

So yes, everyone, I'm hesitant to be certain places or attend certain events this weekend. But can you blame me? So many of you shook your heads at us for so long. "Guys and girls can't be friends" you'd chime. Does this prove you all right? I don't know. I really don't. In my heart, I still think-still WANT- for it to be possible. But this particular guy and this particular girl? No, I don't think they can be. So you were right.

AND NOW I HAVE TO BE THE GIRL WHO STANDS IN A ROOMFUL OF PEOPLE AND PRETEND MY HEART'S NOT BREAKING BECAUSE WHAT RIGHT HAVE I TO REACT LIKE THAT? IT'S NOT LIKE HE WAS MY BOYFRIEND.
But it's worse.

And I almost wish he and I HAD dated, but not for the reasons you might think. It's just that, there's a social precedent for that, for 'breaking up.' People respect it and understand it, and frankly, I'm better equipped to handle it.

But what, pray tell me, does one do when your best friend, your family, chooses to walk away from you? I have no platform to stand on: it's not a breakup, it's not a divorce, it's not a death.....

what is it? I don't know. Painful. And confusing.

And so I turn to A Fine Frenzy.

And praise God for His timing. I canNOT wait to get to LA and put this MESS where it belongs...thousands of miles away.