Rattling around in my head

I don't feel like being poetic or profound, so I won't be. I'll be simple.

I'm tired.
Quartz is awesome and I'm loving being surrounded by so much BRILLIANT creative talent. The faculty is amazing, the kids are inspiring, and it makes me jealous as hell of the fact that these are kids who have an actual shot at doing art for a living because people gave a crap about them and told them it was possible. I have two art degrees and only get to be a part time artist. But still, part time is better than not at all, I suppose.
I'm feeling guilty, like I put Pathways on a waaaaay back back burner this week. Pathways should NEVER been treated like that, so I'm taking five minutes of downtime at my office this morning to collect myself and refocus. Part of that is ranting this out.
Two of the coolest women I'm blessed to know got engaged last week. Another one of my friends announced she and her hubby were pregnant. The biggest part of my heart is happy and excited for them. My brother got married on Monday, which is super awesome. (except I couldn't go, but I guess in the long run, that doesn't matter too much). All of these people in and around my life are actually doing the one thing I can't seem to manage: growing up to live normal lives. And again, just like with the kids at camp, I'm jealous as hell.

It's a hard week for me, friends.
I have been completely disrespected by a man I really looked up to for a number of years and then, once again, I've been congratulating people for doing the things that I want most to do in the world (family, love, etc...)
I know that my life is not bad. Of course I know that people are much much worse off than me.
But every so often I just need to stand on a mountain at the top of the world and scream out "I did everything right! I followed all the rules! Why don't I get to be happy?"

Because if I'm honest about it, I'm not happy. Not even close.

So I'll spend today at Pathways, praying like mad that God helps me shake off the resentment that I have toward these kids who broke all of the rules and seem so happy.
And I'll go back to camp and work on my dress for Marci and Brent's wedding in a few weeks.

And I'll do it all knowing that this week, today, in the depths of my heart and soul, I am truly angry at God. Because today I truly don't believe that He never makes mistakes.