Changing Faces

Marci and I were looking at the Dove video on youtube called 'Evolution of Beauty' where they show how an attractive but still normal woman gets made over and then digitally enhanced to look beautiful. Ladies, we are competing with a beauty that doesn't even EXIST in nature! So it started me thinking about how one time my mom's friend told me I have more different looks in all of my pictures than anyone she'd ever known. So, in my boredom, I went through my facebook pictures and pulled randomly some 'variety' pics of myself to see how different I can look from one day to the next. Honestly, lining them up and looking at them, I sort of see what she means!

Expectations

Do you remember that old SNL (or was it MadTV) sketch called "Lowered Expectations"...?

Basically, it was a dating service for people who were not so attractive or awesome who had finally gotten realistic, lowered their expectations, and were finding love.

The sketch was hilarious, but I think it parallels a good, deep truth that we all begin to learn in our journey as adults. Or maybe it's not a truth so much as a question:

When you're expectations are never met and you are hurt over and over, is it because you aren't being realistic in what your expectations are? Or are there just really that many people who are incapable of giving you what you need?

And I'm not just talking about romantic relationships here. This applies to ALL of our relationships. Friendships, work relationships, even the level of customer service support you expect to receive.

I just had a really long (slightly drunk) talk with Marci. She made some excellent points. My rommie is a very smart lady. Is it possible that I have devalued myself so far that I'm willing to settle happily for 30% from someone when I always try and give 110%? Maybe. That's entirely possible. It is also possible that through experiences, I've learned to only expect what I know people can give and then dare them to surprise me. Is one way more right? Is it better to be let down all the time or is it better to aim low to begin with so there are no surprises?

I honestly don't know. And so I ponder.

And smile at the thought of the handful of people in my life who DO give back what they get.

And wait, with baited breath, for the guy who really dares to prove me wrong.

Lack

...it seems I have a knack for this.

I have spent the last three days being sick. When I am sick, I get down. No, not like the dancing.

Being sick requires you to lay in bed, stare and the ceiling, and do nothing but think. You spend time with yourself and are your own company.

I am grateful to Marci for making me juice and taking good care of me. Bless her heart, she sees me being all moody, which sucks, and there's very little to be done about it. Sorry, Marci! I love you, girl. Thanks for checking on me even when you have your own set of sad this week.

Anyway, here is what Iam feeling:

I lack compassion for people at times.
I am angry when people don't have compassion for me.
This is called being a hypocrite.

I lack whatever it is that normal girls have that makes guys want to keep them.
I don't understand what I keep doing wrong.
This is called being bitter.

I lack a full time, grownup job with a decent salary.
I have two degrees and still work three jobs just to live like I'm still in college.
This is called being ungrateful for what I have.

I lack sufficient good humor this week to not be a total drag about the above listed items.

Blurgh.

Friggin YES!!!

It seems I’ve held my arms like this for ages
But I am done waiting,
I am lowering them down
Like a white flag, like a sail
It's Clementine season, my peach, my little
You are gone, but now I like all my parts
It's funny how when we're whole, we feel hollow
It's funny, I like me best with a broken heart
So, when winter started to thaw
You may be tempted to come around
And it's likely to be too late

-Casey Dienel, The La La Song

Some of my portrait photography...

UNcool

I like to live with my periodic delusions, but here it is:

I am not now, nor have I ever been, in ANY way, even remotely "Cool."

Don't believe me?

I just spent the last few hours making paper beads (because they're very green and inexpensive) with which I plan to make jewelry. That's right: paper beads. AND I've started COLLAGING two picture frames.

Buying pretty scrapbook paper and getting to walk around Michaels and look at all of the Christmas stuff they've put out already was the highlight of my week.

MY WEEK.

And I don't even feel bad about it. So there.

Still and Again

So much the same
Ten years ago
Late nights, dashboard lights
kisses and wishes
While the Radio Plays
Being so sleepy I'm passing out over the keys
But so much left to say, I'm up anyway
Being quiet so we don't wake our parents
Back when I knew you


It's Still, but it's Again
My oldest newest friend
I thought I knew you
Always saw through you
But I'm learning how solid you are


So much has changed
Since we've both grown
Two thousand miles, stangers' smiles
Hook ups and Break Ups
While the radio plays
Being so sleepy I'm passing out over my books
So much left to do, I barely think of you
Somewhere with a new hat and a girl I never met
Those years we were strangers


It's Still, but it's Again
My oldest newest friend
I thought I knew you
Always saw through you
But I'm learning how Solid you are


You can always go home again
Of course you can, of course
You just can't stay
So take your clean slate and run
Here's my new address, wish me all the Best
And call me when you see the
Lights in the park at Christmastime


It's Still, but it's Again
My oldest newest friend
I thought I knew you
So much more to you
Just learning how solid you are


So much the same
Ten years today
Late nights, Dashboard lights
We grew up
While the radio played
Being so sleepy, I'm passing out over the keys
But so much to say, I'm up anyway
Being quiet so I don't wake my roommate
Learning you again, my friend
My old friend
All over again


It's Still, but it's Again
My oldest newest friend
I thought I knew you
Always saw through you
But I'm learning how solid you are...

( I have no concept yet of how it sounds, but this is what it says )